Holding on....... Barely!

yay!!! only 2 more day and then I'm moving home.... i'm so excited...

it's looking that way anyway and the tears begin to flow..... i have no idea how to fix it.. I'm so stuck... ugh... why do i sabatoge everything....

Well thats how it feels anyway.. I am currently waiting to see the ultrasound guy and steadily drinking the 20oz of water that is required before I go to see him/her.... I'm feeling a bit uncomfortable with the whole thing right now, considering i have to stick a dildo like object inside of me and manuver it around while the guy is taking picture of my pelvic area.. it's just a weird concept to me anyway..
In other news I'm a moron when it comes to guys i swear.. the mintue i get uncomfortable with something i have said.. i tend to just close off to the world... then get paranoid about what they are thinking even though i know that they know that i'm just huffy about something totally different... Atleast it seems that way to me...
I wish some things that i find hard would be easier and the things i find to be easy harder.. but thats life right......
I think it sucks......

Your thinkin gosh why do i really wanna read this bitchy blog? Well I wasn't planning on making it bitchy. maybe a little emotional...

1st off my health is starting to become stress full... first they put me on meds they don't work then they take me off put me on new ones. and now i'm getting all disorentied ugh.. earlier i got so confuzed after buying smokes that i just sat there until i felt capable to drive home a whole 6 or 7 blocks... and I was suppose to make an appointment with the doctor to day but my grandma happen to hang up to phone when she handed it to me.. i think it might have been the radiology department.... who know's....

2nd.. i think I'm falling in to something and i'm not sure if it a good idea.. well i think it is but do the other party.. oh well.. i'll figuare it out i'm falling and thats all i have to say about that.. now it's back to the back burner...

well i really think thats all i had today.. nothing is really that exciting... well right now anyway and it has been and issues or a struggle for me to acctually write in my lj anymore.. so here you go...
k-bye

the doc says that i need a pelvic ultrasound... the thought of that is not a happy one.. she is thinking that i have a sist on my girl parts and a growth inside my other girl parts.. oh what fun.. so that would mean that if this is all ture that i might have to have all my girl parts taken out early.. that makes me sad.... i would truely like to have some of my own kids one day but eh whatever happens happens at this point.. and so all this girl stuff may be causing some of the body pains or musle pains that i have been having for the last 3 months now... the news will come in due time..i will find out for sure in the next week.. just thought that i would keep you guys updated...

I should really date all the paragraphs but i don't really feel like it so here you go...



well as some of you may know i have spent the last 8 days in bed due to spine issues. i had my first dr. appointment yesterday and the new was not so good.. well to me anyway it was the worst news ever... i have a herniated disk in my spine which is causing some serious pain in my legs, causing my not to walk and to stay in bed.. please excuse me for i am way to medicated on pain killers which doesn't really kill the pain.. I have an MRI on satuarday and depending on how the MRI comes out, if it's bad i need to have back surgery if not well i will have to live with the pain for the rest of my life and take a lot of physical therpy.... so i just wanted to let every one know.. if you know where i live please come to visit i get very lonely and i have seen all the movies i own more then 4 times each.. i may be moving back to califorina as well due to my physical capabilities. i can not take care very well and my mother would be a great person to help me out.. if it does all boil down to this the i will let you all know.. call me visit me .. i will see you all around...

So I can see where this last entry was confusing so i just wanted to make sure everyone understands what is going on know.....



Okay so now that i have your attention, The rumors have started to spread like wild fire and i just wanted to clear things up a bit. Now lets start from the beginning. 2 emergency room visits and a Dr's office visit later, they want me to get and MRI and a see a back surgeon. So I have had the MRI and gotten on disablity seeing how I can't work and I'm still having moblity problems.. So while waiting to see the Dr I came to see my mother In califorina for 1 week.. It's better for me mentally and the sort. But rumor has it that i moved and i just wanted to clear things up a bit.. There has been talk of moving ONLY if i need to get back surgery, I will NOT know if I need the surgery untill after the 1st of the March... So untill then I still reside in Seattle, Wa.. Maybe my last bulletin was not as clear for you as it was for me.. You have to excuse me for being on so much medication (pain killers) while writing this type of thing.... So I hope things are now cleared up for all of you.....
And my condition if you want to call it that, seeing how they really don't know what it is yet, is stablizing. I guess the better way to put it is that I have my good days and my bad days.. I push it to much on my good days and can't get out of bed on the bad days.. My mental health is doing much better being around family except now we have to put my dog to sleep tomorrow... he has been my pet for the last 17yrs of my life.. I hate to see him in pain and it's his time now...
I will be returning to Seattle on Sunday.. I hope to see you all soon and I hope that has cleared things up a bit...

Have you ever sat next to someone that smells like the worst thing you could have ever possiably smelt in your life? Well today on the bus ride home from work I smelt the smell i wish to never smell again. It's the smell of wet cereal. Such as frosted flakes drowned in milk. A person should never smell this way.. It was so gross. and to top it off the smell was even more worse because her boyfriend smelled the same way. That is so gross!

As some of you may already know my birthday is right around the corner. I'm gonna be the big 22 and most of you know what that means..... I'm getting closer to lower car insurance.. Haha! I would love to spend my birthday with all the wonderful people in my life. Just remeber, drink $5, present $20, you being there for my brithday priceless! So which ever you pick will be fine with me.. Just come out bring a friend and we'll all get drunk together! See ya there! Oh and if you have any questions feel free to call me! Or you caan just meet me at
Sept. 5th 2005
Kai's - U-dist
1312 NE 43rd Ave
Seattle, Wa 98105
i'll be there starting around 8ish.. see you all there

i'm here and alive. some times i wish i wasn't but still am. i just hope the day that happened yesterday doesn't happen today.. so i started a fire in the kithen burnt myselfand almost knocked my self out and spilled coffee all over the kitchen floor... but i am exceited for the next week and a half... the boy is coming to visit me yay! it will be nice to see some one i know out side of my circle.. well it's more shaped like a horse shoe i think. people are changing and i don't know how that makes me feel nothing i can do but deal.. moving forward but still standing still how is this possiable.. weird i have no idea..

why can't i just be happy.. why do i do this to myself.... fucking hate it...