Holding on....... Barely!

yay!!! only 2 more day and then I'm moving home.... i'm so excited...

it's looking that way anyway and the tears begin to flow..... i have no idea how to fix it.. I'm so stuck... ugh... why do i sabatoge everything....

Well thats how it feels anyway.. I am currently waiting to see the ultrasound guy and steadily drinking the 20oz of water that is required before I go to see him/her.... I'm feeling a bit uncomfortable with the whole thing right now, considering i have to stick a dildo like object inside of me and manuver it around while the guy is taking picture of my pelvic area.. it's just a weird concept to me anyway..
In other news I'm a moron when it comes to guys i swear.. the mintue i get uncomfortable with something i have said.. i tend to just close off to the world... then get paranoid about what they are thinking even though i know that they know that i'm just huffy about something totally different... Atleast it seems that way to me...
I wish some things that i find hard would be easier and the things i find to be easy harder.. but thats life right......
I think it sucks......

Your thinkin gosh why do i really wanna read this bitchy blog? Well I wasn't planning on making it bitchy. maybe a little emotional...

1st off my health is starting to become stress full... first they put me on meds they don't work then they take me off put me on new ones. and now i'm getting all disorentied ugh.. earlier i got so confuzed after buying smokes that i just sat there until i felt capable to drive home a whole 6 or 7 blocks... and I was suppose to make an appointment with the doctor to day but my grandma happen to hang up to phone when she handed it to me.. i think it might have been the radiology department.... who know's....

2nd.. i think I'm falling in to something and i'm not sure if it a good idea.. well i think it is but do the other party.. oh well.. i'll figuare it out i'm falling and thats all i have to say about that.. now it's back to the back burner...

well i really think thats all i had today.. nothing is really that exciting... well right now anyway and it has been and issues or a struggle for me to acctually write in my lj anymore.. so here you go...
k-bye

the doc says that i need a pelvic ultrasound... the thought of that is not a happy one.. she is thinking that i have a sist on my girl parts and a growth inside my other girl parts.. oh what fun.. so that would mean that if this is all ture that i might have to have all my girl parts taken out early.. that makes me sad.... i would truely like to have some of my own kids one day but eh whatever happens happens at this point.. and so all this girl stuff may be causing some of the body pains or musle pains that i have been having for the last 3 months now... the news will come in due time..i will find out for sure in the next week.. just thought that i would keep you guys updated...

I should really date all the paragraphs but i don't really feel like it so here you go...



well as some of you may know i have spent the last 8 days in bed due to spine issues. i had my first dr. appointment yesterday and the new was not so good.. well to me anyway it was the worst news ever... i have a herniated disk in my spine which is causing some serious pain in my legs, causing my not to walk and to stay in bed.. please excuse me for i am way to medicated on pain killers which doesn't really kill the pain.. I have an MRI on satuarday and depending on how the MRI comes out, if it's bad i need to have back surgery if not well i will have to live with the pain for the rest of my life and take a lot of physical therpy.... so i just wanted to let every one know.. if you know where i live please come to visit i get very lonely and i have seen all the movies i own more then 4 times each.. i may be moving back to califorina as well due to my physical capabilities. i can not take care very well and my mother would be a great person to help me out.. if it does all boil down to this the i will let you all know.. call me visit me .. i will see you all around...

So I can see where this last entry was confusing so i just wanted to make sure everyone understands what is going on know.....



Okay so now that i have your attention, The rumors have started to spread like wild fire and i just wanted to clear things up a bit. Now lets start from the beginning. 2 emergency room visits and a Dr's office visit later, they want me to get and MRI and a see a back surgeon. So I have had the MRI and gotten on disablity seeing how I can't work and I'm still having moblity problems.. So while waiting to see the Dr I came to see my mother In califorina for 1 week.. It's better for me mentally and the sort. But rumor has it that i moved and i just wanted to clear things up a bit.. There has been talk of moving ONLY if i need to get back surgery, I will NOT know if I need the surgery untill after the 1st of the March... So untill then I still reside in Seattle, Wa.. Maybe my last bulletin was not as clear for you as it was for me.. You have to excuse me for being on so much medication (pain killers) while writing this type of thing.... So I hope things are now cleared up for all of you.....
And my condition if you want to call it that, seeing how they really don't know what it is yet, is stablizing. I guess the better way to put it is that I have my good days and my bad days.. I push it to much on my good days and can't get out of bed on the bad days.. My mental health is doing much better being around family except now we have to put my dog to sleep tomorrow... he has been my pet for the last 17yrs of my life.. I hate to see him in pain and it's his time now...
I will be returning to Seattle on Sunday.. I hope to see you all soon and I hope that has cleared things up a bit...

Have you ever sat next to someone that smells like the worst thing you could have ever possiably smelt in your life? Well today on the bus ride home from work I smelt the smell i wish to never smell again. It's the smell of wet cereal. Such as frosted flakes drowned in milk. A person should never smell this way.. It was so gross. and to top it off the smell was even more worse because her boyfriend smelled the same way. That is so gross!

As some of you may already know my birthday is right around the corner. I'm gonna be the big 22 and most of you know what that means..... I'm getting closer to lower car insurance.. Haha! I would love to spend my birthday with all the wonderful people in my life. Just remeber, drink $5, present $20, you being there for my brithday priceless! So which ever you pick will be fine with me.. Just come out bring a friend and we'll all get drunk together! See ya there! Oh and if you have any questions feel free to call me! Or you caan just meet me at
Sept. 5th 2005
Kai's - U-dist
1312 NE 43rd Ave
Seattle, Wa 98105
i'll be there starting around 8ish.. see you all there

i'm here and alive. some times i wish i wasn't but still am. i just hope the day that happened yesterday doesn't happen today.. so i started a fire in the kithen burnt myselfand almost knocked my self out and spilled coffee all over the kitchen floor... but i am exceited for the next week and a half... the boy is coming to visit me yay! it will be nice to see some one i know out side of my circle.. well it's more shaped like a horse shoe i think. people are changing and i don't know how that makes me feel nothing i can do but deal.. moving forward but still standing still how is this possiable.. weird i have no idea..

why can't i just be happy.. why do i do this to myself.... fucking hate it...

i miss you! wish i could be with you but your to far away to hold even when your right in front of me!

everything is really just unexpected especially with smut now that it's over.. i'm tired sore and among other things werided out never really thought that people are the way they are sexually speaking until i witness it first hand out or have it happen to me which a lot did.me a few cool cats... had a talk with mr. exbf and aparently i totally made an impression that i never thought i'd left. his mother cried when i left apparently she really adored me and when he mentioned that he was coming to visit she asked if i was going to move back.. i only wish.. hehe that will always be in the back of my mind.. moving back there that is..... i miss home and i miss my bestest friend ever... taylor.. we were attached at the hip. never went anywhere with out each other she was my wing girl.. hehe.. i miss having that friend that i can go to when i ever i need to and tell her everything.. i mean i still can but she is far away and really has no idea the people i'm talking about.. thats the sucky part really... money is really super tight right now.. i'm seriously starting to freak out on the inside.. have to get the liquar licence or i get fired.. have to pay rent.... i have no money to do any of these things.... time to call mom.. hope see can help....well thats enough of my bitching for now.. off to bed need sleep...

is totally good for you. i'm over the drama for now. gonna have some fun.. 2 of my great friends are coming yay!! well i got one up here for my b-day and the other to my suprise is just coming up to hang out tomorow well today.. firday anyway. i'll talk him in to hanging out for smut v cuz it's gonna be the greatest.. anyway must be off to bed can't type..

You don't know the story stop spreading rumors and get over yourself... i wasn't trying to steal anyone's boyfriend and if you have something to say to me just flipin say it. i have written people off today and will continue to do so as i learn more... all i have been trying to do was make some friends and have fun... were not in high school any more people.. get over your self...

so i haven't written anything in a while. sorry the mac has some issues but now i'm here to tell all.. things happen people change for better or worse. but the only thing i really ask is that you are civil with me. you don't have to be rude or act like you don't know me.. but that may be infact better if i didn't know you at all if you are going to treat me poorly as a human being.. i do have feelings just like everyone else. you are what made my night horriable, thanks for treating me poorly i appreciate it and i hope it comes back to bite you in the ass.
I am civil with the people i don't really care for i say hi and ask how they are but i'm not gonna ask their whole life story or hang out with them just think about that the next time you run in to some one you know and don't care for just be civil.
anyway moving on, i am poor and i picked up, well hopefully a second job. it's gonna be hard cuz i'm not gonna have any days off for a while.. except the weekend of smut and the week of my b-day. oh well i really need to buckle down so thats what i'm gonna do.
I can't wait until my b-day i wanna have some kinda get together but who knows where i'll be all that weekend..with boy comig up to visit and the such.. it should be a ton of fun though can't wait.. really!
so let recap on last night i all started with annoying cell phone man that was sitting be hind me when my friend and i were having dinner he was talking so loud that everyone in the bar could hear word for word on what he was saying and he called alost everyone in he's cell phone before we left then say hot boy and friends.. went a played around with laurien for a while then went to a show.. passed out some smut flyers and some guys came up to me i met him a week ago or something and he was all "i'm really glad you came, cuz you told me you were the coolest chick i'd ever meet, apparently you are since you came.." haha i was so drunk when i told him that.. well weird is all i have to say.. then as the night went on my friend got trashed good thing i wasn't drinking. the low and be hold i saw a guys girlfriend all over some other guy i felt bad because he is a total hottie and a nice guy. i don't have any room to tell him about it because i really don't know him that well and it's not my biz. so i left it alone.
oh and yes there is going to be a fashion show coming up it's gonna be a ton of fun. It's Aug 18th at chop suie (once again i can't spell) it's gonna start around 11 or 12 at night i know it's a little late for thurdays but it's gonna be a blast.. just remeber to all those i go and support at your shows.. i hope you come and support me at mine..
well thats it's for now don't have a whole lot left to say but hopefully i will see you all soon..

i'm not here unless you need something out of me... it's rather irritaing.....

i had the most relaxing day.. left the house once and that was just to get food when i woke up cuz i couldn't stand being hungry any more... and watched a shit ton of tv... nothing good but i sat there and stared.. not really sure if i was paying attention or not... eh!! i don't really care... well off to bed i go.. nothing really exciting to scream about today..late

really 4:11 am and me not being in my right mind i'm still up but i did watch the greatest movie ever.. dirty dancing.. hehe you know you all love it...it made me very happy and missing a certain person that was in my life for a short time.. very happy though.. well off to bed have to wake up in like 5 hours...nite!

did you guys hear about that guy that was fucked to death by a fucking horse....... eww talk about distrubing...even more disturbing the guy wanted to and this all happened in eastern washington... flipin idiots

moving forward.... looking for something that i may never find...

but on a brighter note i found $11 in my car today.. that was exciting... and my friend is coming to visit for my birthday.. yay!! that makes me happy... got a different modeling gig.. it's on the 18th of Aug. at chop suie... it's gonna be a ton of fun...

but yet again i went for a grand walk and got out for a little while... not like anyone really cares except me.. who reads this anyway????? i wish i knew.. if you read this you should tell me.. come on it'll be fun